


Let Beauty Come (Out of Ashes)

by a_dusky_gold



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Comfort/Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Whump, dad eddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 17:49:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21285713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_dusky_gold/pseuds/a_dusky_gold
Summary: "There’s a hand clawing at his throat and acid bubbling in his stomach, but Eddie forces himself to swallow. Almost there, he tells himself. Almost.The minutes crawl, it feels like. He can’t stop clenching and unclenching his hands, can’t stop seeing Buck dangling off the ladder. Christopher’s voice sounds like it’s coming from under water, and when Eddie bends down to kiss his son goodnight, it feels mechanical, like he’s watching someone else do it.He’s going to break – he needs to break."A close call serves as a wake-up call for Eddie. Set in a vague, nebulous future where Eddie and Buck have been together for a while.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 19
Kudos: 380





	Let Beauty Come (Out of Ashes)

**Author's Note:**

> It's 1 a.m. This was supposed to be an easy drabble as a first foray into writing these two and for this fandom. I don't even know anymore, I blame [bamfbuddie](https://bamfbuddie.tumblr.com/) and [imyourbuddie ](https://imyourbuddie.tumblr.com/)
> 
> *flings at y'all and runs*

Neither of them says a word as Eddie pulls to the car into a stop. His heart still feels like it’s floating somewhere between his chest and his stomach, and he’s consciously clenching and unclenching his hands over the wheel to stop them from shaking. Like hell is he going to get them into another accident and get Buck hurt worse than he already is.

“Eddie,” Buck says softly. His voice is quiet, too weighed down with things he wants to say but can’t, not yet, not here. They can’t break down yet.

Or maybe that’s just him, Eddie thinks. He opens his mouth, and then closes it again, his throat burning.

How can he say it? They haven’t been doing this very long, they’re cautious with each other after everything, but… seeing him like that, hanging off of a ladder broken because the stupid government saw fit to give_ first-responders_ faulty equipment… for the first time since he’d been a rookie in Afghanistan, Eddie had frozen up, unable to say anything, or _do_ anything.

It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Buck in danger, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last time either. Fuck, it wasn’t even the first time he’d been hanging off a broken ladder.

Only the last time, Buck was a friend – a good one, an attractive one, and a brother he’d be willing to die for, even if they were only just getting to one another.

And now… now, Buck is… Buck is – 

Buck is getting out, he realizes. Out of the car, and running to the porch, where Carla is waiting with Christopher, tears in her eyes, because she’d seen the news.

Eddie watches as Buck goes down on his knees – even though they’re bruised and probably hurt like hell – and hold his arms open for Christopher to throw himself into. His boy doesn’t hesitate, leaning over to kiss Buck’s cheek neatly, the same way he does Eddie’s when he’s feeling particularly clingy, and that’s when it hits Eddie.

Buck is… Buck is his everything.

He almost lost him today. He almost loses him every day, but he almost lost him today, and God, he hasn’t… he hasn’t even told him just how fucking much he needs him.

How much he loves him.

His hands do start shaking then. Eddie clenches and unclenches his fist – _not yet_. He’ll fall apart, but… not yet. He breathes in deep, forces air into the lead-heaviness of his lungs, and throws the door open.

Not yet, he thinks.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Buck,” Christopher’s voice is anxious, soft. Buck tightens his hold on him, dropping another kiss on the curly mop of hair.

“Not goin’ anywhere, bud,” he says. “No matter what happens, I’ll always come back to you.”

His eyes are locked on to Eddie’s over Chris’s head, and Eddie’s heart thumps once, twice against his ribcage. _I know,_ he thinks at it, _I **know**._

“You scared us,” Carla says as Christopher finally lets go. Eddie leans over to grab his son in a hug, watching as Carla whacks Buck gently before kissing his cheek. She whispers something in his ear, and Eddie doesn’t need to be a genius to know what he says.

“Welcome home, Daddy,” Christopher whispers. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, kiddo.” He ruffles his hair, kisses his cheek and then pulls back, ushering them all in.

Buck hesitates, lingering on the porch. “I uh, should probably-” he begins.

Eddie shakes his head and grabs his hand before he finishes that sentence. “You’re insane if you think I’m letting you go home tonight,” he says. His grip is too tight, too harsh, he can tell, because Buck’s eyes fly to his, and he flinches the slightest bit.

It doesn’t escape Carla either, of course. She shoots him a knowing glance but Eddie can’t care right now – he’s so close to losing it, so close to just falling apart, but…

_Not yet,_ he reminds himself. _Just… hang on._

“Yeah, Buck!” Christopher says. “Stay! Will you make me breakfast in the morning? I like your scrambled eggs better than Daddy’s.”

“Kiddo, you maybe the only one who does,” Buck snorts. He takes Chris’s hand and leads him inside, both of them chattering away a mile a minute. As much as Eddie wants to grab Buck and drag him into the privacy of his bedroom, he won’t deny his son this – Christopher, for all his smiles and laughter, needs to know Buck is okay, needs to be clingy for just a bit, to reassure himself that his Buck is alive and here and with him.

Eddie knows the feeling. _Just a little more._ He sinks into the couch, watching as Buck and Carla make sure Christopher finishes dinner and get him ready for bed. It’s routine enough that Christopher doesn’t question it, and that’s another revelation, another truth he’s been avoiding – Buck is involved enough in Chris’s life to put him to bed in Eddie’s place.

There’s a hand clawing at his throat and acid bubbling in his stomach, but Eddie forces himself to swallow. _Almost there,_ he tells himself. _Almost._

The minutes crawl, it feels like. He can’t stop clenching and unclenching his hands, can’t stop seeing Buck dangling off the ladder. Christopher’s voice sounds like it’s coming from under water, and when Eddie bends down to kiss his son goodnight, it feels mechanical, like he’s watching someone else do it.

He’s going to break – he _needs_ to break.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Eddie can’t even muster up the strength to acknowledge Carla – the clawing has turned to burning inside his throat, and his vision is blurry. He can’t see, can’t breathe, he needs Buck, he – _Buck_, he thinks, _Buck, Buck, Buck –_

“I’m here, Eddie, god, I’m here, baby, I’m here – ”

“Buck?” he croaks, looking up.

Buck’s expression is worried, and it takes Eddie a minute to realize that he’s on his knees in front of the couch, cupping Eddie’s face. His eyes fly down to Buck’s bruised knees – he’s hurting himself again, putting himself out there to help, like he always does, because that’s what they _do_.

“Your knees,” Eddie croaks. “They- they’re gonna- get up here, they’ll-”

Buck throws him a crooked grin. “I can take a little pain for you, babe,” he jokes.

The dam _breaks_. They’re alone, it’s just them, and Eddie lets go – he doesn’t want it to hurt, doesn’t want Buck anywhere near danger, because Buck is his everything. The only other person he’s ever felt this intensity for is Christopher, and _Jesus_, when did Evan Buckley crawl under his skin so deeply?

“No,” he hisses. “No, no pain, not for me, no more.”

It’s a reminder as much as a command – they’ve both given each other too much shit, out each other through too much of a wringer, and Eddie’s _done_. He’s done with this dance-around, done with this kind of hurt, because he needs Buck like he needs Christopher and Abuelita and the rest of them, and he’s not letting go.

“Never,” he whispers, pulling Buck on top of him. He’d roll them over to pin him to the couch, but Buck’s hurt, and he never wants to be the cause of that ever again. “Never again,” he repeats.

The kiss is gentle, bordering on almost painful. Eddie’s hands are shaking against Buck’s face, and Buck turns his face lightly to kiss the tip of his fingers.

“I’m here,” he murmurs. “Eddie, I’m here, I’m okay.”

“You almost weren’t,” Eddie croaks. “I almost… you almost…”

“But I didn’t.” Buck’s voice is fierce. “I’m here, Ed, I’m not going anywhere. And I promise – I’ll fight like hell to come back to you and Chris, and Maddie. I’m not leaving.”

_Christ._

“Buck, I-” he hiccups. “I love-”

“No,” Buck interrupts him. “Eddie, no, don’t.”

Eddie draws in a deep breath. The clawing, burning in his throat is icy numbness now, settling into his veins at Buck’s refusal. He can’t… if Buck doesn’t… did he read the signals wrong? Eddie doesn’t think he can take that kind of heartbreak, not again, not from _him_.

“Wh-what?” he manages finally. “You don’t…?”

Buck breathes in sharply. He bends down and seals their mouths together, linking their fingers together. The rough stubble of his jaw pushes against Eddie’s face, and he relaxes into it – Buck isn’t rejecting him, isn’t moving away, and if he’s not there yet, Eddie can wait.

He’ll do a lot more than that for Buck.

“Baby,” Buck mutters. “I do. Jesus fucking Christ, of course I do.” He rests his forehead against Eddie’s, nuzzling slowly into his cheek, and Eddie can’t help but run his hand through Buck’s short hair. They’re squished on to the couch, legs entangled, and Eddie’s suddenly exhausted, Buck a solid, comforting weight on him.

“Then why…?”

Buck leans up to kiss the corner of his mouth. “Because you deserve better,” he says. “_We_ deserve better than an angry confession in the aftermath of a disaster. When I do say it, I want you to know that I mean it – that it’s not a heat of the moment thing, that I’m here, in this – ” he waves his hand about the living room, “- with _you_ and Chris, for the long haul.”

He looks Eddie square in the eyes, and whispers, “You’re too important for me to do otherwise.”

Eddie’s heart is in his mouth again, only this time it feels _light_, like he’s fluttering. The sob that rips itself out of his throat has been a long time coming today. Buck cradles him close, even through the bruised skin of his body, and Eddie clings, pressing kiss after kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek, his chest, his lips – any patch of skin he can get his mouth and hands on.

The words are on his lips – _I love you, I love you, I love you_ – and he was terrified he wouldn't get to say them out to Buck before something happens. Their lives are precarious, anything can happen, and he didn’t want Buck to die – _he_ didn’t want to die – without Buck knowing that.

But Buck’s hands are warm against his back, his stubble rough against his skin, and the look in those beautiful, sky-colored eyes calms him.

Buck… Buck _knows_. Buck has faith - in him, in them, in their future. Together. 

It’s like Eddie can breathe again. The air feels fresher, cleaner somehow. He pulls Buck closer, tucks his face under his chin, and presses kiss after kiss to the short hair on Buck’s head. Buck nuzzles into his neck, wrapping around him like a cat. The flutter of his eyelashes against Eddie’s skin tickles and Eddie relaxes into it, closing his own eyes.

I love you, he thinks, but doesn’t say out loud.

Their time will come.

**Author's Note:**

> Someday, I'll stop lying to myself about my inability to write short things. That day is not today.


End file.
